


Here's My Apology

by forever_yours_melody



Series: Cherish These Members Series [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chanwoo-centric, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jung Chanwoo-centric, M/M, Multi, Poor Chanwoo, Sexual Content, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-06-25 15:44:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15643869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forever_yours_melody/pseuds/forever_yours_melody
Summary: Chanwoo knew he wasn't good enough, he didn't fit in iKon, he never would.Everyone kept reminding him of how imperfect he was, of how he wasn't cut out to be an idol, and he's starting to realize their right.The pressures of the idol life was too much, he couldn't do it anymore, he had to leave.





	1. Practice Gone Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> I love Chanwoo, he's my bias in iKon, always has been since Mix&Match. I wrote this because there's not a lot of Chanwoo centric stories out there and those are my favorite stories. Also, I wrote this because so many people seem to forget that Chanwoo is in iKon. HE IS IKON'S MAKNAE AND THEY LOVE HIM. This story is not in anyway written to bash the other guys and make it seem like this is how they treat Chanwoo and this is how he feels. From what I've seen, the boys love the evil maknae like he's their whole world and that makes me happy. I wrote this story from what I observed in Mix&Match and drew inspiration from the show and other people's opinion of him and the group. 
> 
> Each chapter will vary from being long and being short, depending on how much I feel like writing and what the chapters will be focused on (ex. the situation going on in the chapter, etc)
> 
> I hope you enjoy! Leave a comment! and remember this story will have at least 3-4 parts so stay on the lookout for updates!  
> \- Mel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanwoo screws up the choreography. Harsh words are said. His insecurities come up to mess with him.

He messed up again. He messed up the choreography again. Chanwoo knew the boys were beginning to get frustrated, especially Hanbin and Jiwon, and Chanwoo felt more guilty over their frustrations. Chanwoo kept his head down as he watched Hanbin out of the corner of his eye pause the music and run his hand through his newly dyed hair. The air was thick with tension as everyone waited for the leader to talk. 

 

“Chanwoo,” Hanbin’s voice called to him. Chanwoo slowly raised his head and met Hanbin’s dark and sharp eyes. “That’s the 10th time you screwed that part of the choreography up, what’s so difficult about it?” Hanbin’s word’s were sharp and Chanwoo could here the irritation in his voice. He knew everyone was looking at him, watching and waiting for an answer and he felt his face grow hot out of embarrassment. 

 

“I’m sorry Hyung, I just can’t get my feet to move the correct way,” Chanwoo said, looking away from Hanbin’s calculating stare. He always felt intimidated by Hanbin, always felt like the older man was trying to look deep into his soul, to see what he was thinking. Hanbin was perfect in everything he did. Everything he wrote was a masterpiece, everything he said was inspiring, the way he moved was mesmerizing. He was the perfect leader and Chanwoo wanted he could be like him. 

 

“If you knew you couldn’t do it, why didn’t you say something earlier? Why didn’t you say something instead of wasting our time?” It was Jiwon who talked this time, surprising Chanwoo with his words. Bobby was always the one who would defend Chanwoo when Hanbin was too harsh on him or when one of the members almost went too far with their words and actions. He was usually never the one to be harsh to Chanwoo, he was always the protector, defending with his entire body, making sure Chanwoo never felt like wasn't good enough. “Why didn’t you say anything when we began today? Or yesterday? Or when we first started practicing the choreography days ago? You’ve been wasting our time and the comeback is weeks away!” Bobby’s voice kept rising with every word he said, sending knives through Chanwoo’s heart. “Stay behind tonight and work on the choreography, practice whatever is difficult for you and if by tomorrow you still haven’t gotten it will figure something ou-” Hanbin cut him off before he could finish.

 

“He will get it. He’s been given enough time to get it,” he said harshly. “Everyone pack up, we’re heading home for the night.” Chanwoo listened as everyone slowly moved around and packed up their things. He stayed rooted in place, to embarrassed to move, to scared to speak up. The guilt of screwing up and not being good enough wrapped around his throat and choked him up, keeping him even making a sound. 

 

Jinhwan walked up to him and gently grasped the back of his neck, forcing his head up and his eyes to meet his. “Don’t stay too long. I’ll stay up and wait for you and if you aren’t back by 2 or 3, I’m coming to get you and dragging you home.” Chanwoo couldn’t help but crack a smile at his hyung’s words, even if it was a small one. 

 

“You’re too small to drag me anywhere Jinhwan hyung,” Chanwoo whispered. Jinhwan rolled his eyes and walked away mumbling about evil and rude maknae’s. 

 

Chanwoo watched as every member left after waving bye to him, Hanbin stopping by the door, his hand on the handle and his back to Chanwoo. “Don’t stay late, I’ll see you in the morning,” and with that he closed the door, making his escape and leaving the maknae alone to his own thoughts. 

 

He turned to face the mirror on the practice room wall and stared at himself, the feeling of disgust bubbling under his skin, a feeling of anger following right behind it. “You’re disgusting,” he whispered to himself. “Can’t do anything right. A disappointment to everyone especially your hyungs! Why can't you just be good enough, why can't you do anything right? What's wrong with you?!” A tear slid down his cheek and Chanwoo let it, as it was followed by more tears until he couldn’t keep them from escaping. He fell to the floor, dragging his knees to his chest and crying. He felt pain in his chest. A deep pain that stemmed from being a disappoint, from knowing his hyung’s probably were tired of him, from knowing everyone probably looked down on him. The pain and guilt twisted in his chest, wrapping around his lungs, making it hard to breathe as sobs wracked throughout his body. 

 

Chanwoo knew that the only way to get rid of the pain was to be better. He needed to become better so he could be good enough to be in iKon, so that he was worthy to stand alongside the other members. He needed to be better so that everyone who took a chance on him and wanted him in iKon, didn’t regret it. He needed to be better, that was the only way. He needed to get better at singing, at dancing. He needed to look better, he needed to lose weight, clear his skin, be the right image. He needed to be better, not for himself but for his hyungs. 

 

Chanwoo slowly got up and dried his tears with his sweater sleeves, walking over to the computer to set up the music. He pulled out his phone and set an alarm to go off at 2, so he could head home and Jinhwan wouldn’t lose any more sleep over him. He turned his head again to stare into the mirror, looking himself he whispered, “be better. Be worth it.” 

 

The music started and Chanwoo moved his body to the beat. He’d be perfect, he needed to be. Even if it killed him. 


	2. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks. Chanwoo remembers the first time he did it  
> A list. He's made a list of the imperfections he must fix  
> Medications. They will help fix his imperfections

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics = flashback  
> italics in bold = text messages  
> regular writing = happening in present time 
> 
> There will be a flashback scene, I'll let you know when the flashback starts but I don't mention when it ends because you'll be able to tell, as the text will switch from italics to regular text. 
> 
> In this chapter we meet the maknae of another group and that will set up the next part of this series for that maknae's story. So I hope you enjoy their little pop-up.
> 
> CHAPTER WARNING: Self-harm, vomiting, depression, suicidal thoughts/actions

The tiles were cold against his skin. He shivered, not from the biting cold the floor was giving off but from the exhaustion racking through his body. His mouth was dry and his lips cracked, and his eyes felt heavy with pure exhaustion. All he wanted to do was sleep but he couldn’t, not until he was perfect. The toilet was right in front of him in all its glory. Chanwoo couldn’t remember the number of times he’s thrown up in it so far tonight but he lost track after the 4th time. His stomach hurt so much from being forced to give up what was consumed hours ago. His throat was screaming, begging for Chanwoo to give it a break. Tomorrow he would surely sound worse than he ever has in the recording room but he’ll just lie and say he has a sore throat.    
  


Chanwoo slowly leaned forward, his forehead thumping against the toilet rim and slowly lifting to look into the water below.  _ Just one more time and you’ll be perfect, as good as new, _ the voices in his head whispered to him. He’d been hearing them ever since the practice room incident, that was 3 weeks ago. They tell him to be perfect, tell him what to do to be perfect, and he does what they say. Sometimes he wants to scream, tell them to go away and leave him alone but they are always there in the back of his mind. 

 

But sometimes, there are moments where the voices go silent when Chanwoo is with the boys and they're having fun, joking and laughing. The voices can’t bother him in those moments, they leave him be, he’s too happy to be influenced by them during those times. They always get to him when he’s alone though. He’s always so weak when he’s alone, when he feels isolated, like an outsider in his own home. 

 

He wants them to leave him alone but they never do. He wants to run to his hyungs, tell them to help him, to make the voices go away. He wants to show them he’s tired. Show them the marks on his body from when he reached his lowest low when he took a blade to his skin and cut away for the first time because he felt so alone and so imperfect….   
  


_ Flashback - 1 Week Ago _

 

_ “Again, from the top Chanwoo!” The Producer told him, irritation lining his face. Chanwoo kept messing up, his voice kept cracking in certain parts of the song and some notes were too hard for him to hit. He felt ashamed, he couldn’t sing a few simple lyrics; the few lyrics given to him and he was probably going to have them taken from him. Chanwoo opened his mouth and attempted to sing the lines again. The music shut off in his headphones and instantly knew he did something wrong. He kept his eyes plastered to the ground, not even attempting to lift them when Hanbin’s voice came through the headphones.  _

 

_ “Chanwoo, again from the top.” His hyung’s voice would usually be relaxing to him, a sort of safe haven but recently it’s been the complete opposite. The boys have all been on edge lately because of their upcoming comeback and YG being on their ass, they’ve all been snapping at each other over the smallest things.  _

 

_ “Yes hyung,” Chanwoo said. He took a deep breath and waited for the music to start. As he went through his lines he felt weird. It wasn’t a feeling of being sick or tired, more like a feeling of not really being there. This body was there but his mind wasn't. He was 100 miles away in his head, wondering about what he could do better, what he needed to perfect and what it would take to perfect it. Mentally he’s been making a list of things that needed to be changed about himself.  _

 

_ First, he needed to change his skin, specifically all the imperfections. Recently he’s been having bouts of breakouts across his skin, making it unusually red, sensitive, and bumpy. It’s especially been oily and he’s been gaining blackheads around his nose. He’s already talked to his manager and makeup artists, the ones who also pointed out his breakouts, and they're in the midsts of acquiring some new skincare for him and setting up an appointment with a dermatologist.  _

 

_ The second this that must be fixed will also help the first. He needs to change his diet. Usu,ally Chanwoo would eat whatever he wanted, lots of takeout, lots of energy drinks and sodas. He’d take in so much sugar daily it was almost unhealthy. So he’s decided to cut back on sugars. No more sodas, or takeout, or energy drinks. He’ll drink more waters, eat more salads, and cut back on the snacks he eats throughout the day. He’ll be able to be filled up all day if he consumes a lot of water regularly and if he uses smaller plates, he’ll trick his body into thinkhe ’s eatenaten a lot.  _

 

_ He’s in the process of working out the rest of his list but he knows he needs to work on his singing and dancing. If he doesn’t fix his singing, the small lines he gets will be taken from him and he’ll be reduced back to his Rhythm Ta days, singing background noise and vocals. He can’t go back to days, the days of being a nobody and being embarrassed 24/7 over his small lines. When they first debuted, he knew everyone laughed at him over his “nanana” part. Everyone on social media mocked him, pointing out that his voice wasn’t the best, and that's why he got basically nothing. His dancing at least wasn’t the worst but he needed to brush up on things, he couldn’t fall behind anymore, he needed to be better.  _

 

_ “Okay, that’s good for now Chanwoo,” Hanbin’s voice brought him back to the real world, breaking him from his trance. He lifted his eyes and met Hanbin’s, seeing an unfamiliar look in his eyes. “Are you okay?’ B.I asked, his brows furrowing together. _

 

_ “Of course Hanbin hyung, I’m good.” Chanwoo plastered his fake smile on his face. All those years of acting classes were beginning to pay off. “Are we heading home now?” Hanbin starred at him a little more before nodding his head slowly. “Okay, I’m going to go pack up my stuff and meet you outside.” _

 

_ Chanwoo left the music booth, making himself out of the recording room and heading down to the dance practice room. He spotted Donghyuk and Jiwon going over the choreography, he waved at them when they said hi. He saw Jinhwan with Yunhyeong and Junhoe, rehearsing their parts in the corner of the room.  _

 

_ “Hanbin said were heading home already,” he said while packing his stuff. He heard everyone moving around, probably packing their things. As Chanwoo was finishing packing his things he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Sighing, he pulled it out and saw it was a text from Changkyun from Monsta X. He and Changkyun became friends after being introduced through a mutual friend. He didn’t think he and the other maknae would get along but they bonded over games, food, and their issues with their bandmates. They understood each other and what the other was feeling, they were each others own personal therapist. They could confide in eachother and trust each other with their secrets.  _

 

_ “ _ **_Hyungwon hyung yelled at me today,”_ ** _ Changkyun’s text said. Furrowing his brows, Chanwoo texted back.  _

 

_ “ _ **_What happened? Your hyung loves you, he wouldn't have gotten upset over something small,”_ ** _ He sent it and continued packing as he waited for the response.  _

 

_ “Let’s go,” Bobby called out to him. He followed the rest of the boys out of the room and out of the building. They got into their car, their manager driving, and made their way home.  _

 

_ “Chanwoo, I almost forgot,” he watched his manager rummage through a a few bags before handing him one. “That’s the stuff you asked for and something else as well.” Chanwoo grabbed the bag, well aware of his hyungs eyes on him. He rummaged through the bag and saw a medication bag among the stuff. Looks like his manager got some strong medical creams prescribed to help with the acne. _

 

_ “Thanks, hyung,” Chanwoo said, putting the bag into his practice bag. He put on his headphones, ignoring Hanbin’s questioning looks and keeping anyone from asking him anything. His phone vibrated and he looked at the text from Changkyun. _

 

_ “ _ **_I bumped into him during practice and he fell. I apologized but he went off on me. He’s been ignoring me since and I’ve tried apologizing so much.”_ ** _ Chanwoo sighed. As the maknae, it felt shitty knowing your hyung was angry with you over a mistake you made, but to be ignored made it so much worse.  _

 

**_“Let him cool off, give him space. When he gets over it, he will come to you. I gtg, just got home and I have to shower. Text you later tonight if I don't fall asleep.”_ ** _ Chanwoo sent the text just as they pulled up to their dorm. He got out of the car and followed behind everyone else, keeping his head down and focused on his phone. He waited for everyone to pile into the dorm and quickly tried making a beeline to his room but got stopped by Donghyuk.  _

 

_ “What did manager need to give you?” He knew Donghyuk was just asking out of curiosity and probably a bit out of concern.  _

 

_ “It’s just some skincare stuff hyung, nothing to worry about.” Chanwoo replied, giving him a small smile and making his way to his room. He could feel everyone’s eyes on him but he ignored them, instead closing his door behind himself and locking it. He grabbed some pajamas, rummaged through the skincare and grabbed what he needed, including the medication, which seemed to contain pills instead of a cream. He opened the small medication bag and pulled out a pill bottle, reading the label, which stated he would be taking  _ _ Isotretinoin capsules twice a day. He decided not to take the capsule tonight, instead, he’d start tomorrow, so he’d be able to take it twice. He placed the medicine in his drawer, grabbed his things off the bed and headed to the shower.  _

 

_ He showered quickly, not wanting to use up all the water. He walked back to his room and froze when he saw Hanbin inside with Jinhwan. They were sitting on his bed and their heads snapped up when he walked in. He closed his door behind himself and walked over to his closet, throwing his dirty clothes in the hamper.  _

 

_ “Chanwoo, what’s with the pills?” Jinhwan asked. Chanwoo finished drying his hair and turned around to see the bottle in his hyungs hand. He walked over and took it from him, placing it back in his drawer. He reminded himself to look into buying a desk that had locks on the drawers.  _

 

_ “Their antibiotics to treat the acne, nothing bad.” He said looking at them. They just stared at him, almost as though they were trying to look into his head. Chanwoo broke eye contact quickly, distracting himself with putting his towel away.  _

 

_ “So just for your skin?” Hanbin asked and Chanwoo nodded. “Okay, that’s good, that’s really good.” Chanwoo felt his heart crack a little. What did he mean by it being really good?  _

 

_ “What do you mean really good?” He asked without turning around, trying to be casual.  _

 

_ “Your skin hasn’t been that great, so it’s good your trying to take of the problem and fix it.” Jinhwan stated before ruffling his hair and walking over to the door. “Get some rest, eat something before bed. We have a long day tomorrow.” He left and Hanbin followed closely behind. Chanwoo locked his door and leaned his head against it.  _

 

_ He walked over to his bed sighing, throwing himself onto the covers. He stared at his nightstand before pulling it open and pulled out a blade, twirling it in hand. That night he went to bed without eating and for the first time, he self-harmed….. _  
  


 

“Chanwoo, are you in there?” Chanwoo was broken out of his musings and froze when the bathroom handle jiggled. 

 

“Yeah hyung, give me a few minutes!” He said. He slowly picked himself up, wincing at the pain coming from his thighs. He’d cut himself a few times there before forcing himself to throw up. He flushed the toilet to get rid of the vomit, made sure the floor was clear of blood and hid his blade. He walked over to the sink and washed his mouth and face before opening the door. He came face to face with Junhoe who was looking at him with sharp eyes. “The bathrooms all yours hyung.” He tried to move past him when Junhoe grabbed his arm. He met his eyes, “yes hyung?”

 

“What were you doing in here?” Junhoe’s husky voice caused shivers to run down his spine. “You were in here for nearly an hour, there was no way you were showering and I heard weird noises coming from in here. Are you okay?” 

 

“I’m fine hyung, really.” He carefully removed himself from his hold. “I’m gonna head for bed now. Good night.” He walked away as quickly as he could without it looking like he was trying to flee. He entered his room, locking it behind himself and through himself onto his bed. Closing his eyes he felt himself doze off, exhaustion taking over his entire body. Hopefully, tomorrow would be better, maybe. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are progressing nicely and according to plan. The members, specifically Junhoe is realizing something is up, this is setting up for what is coming next. 
> 
> Also, do not hate Jinhwan and Hanbin, what they said to Chanwoo wasn't meant to hurt him, they just worded what they said to him wrong.
> 
> Next update will be out sometime this week, so be on the look, I'll need a few days though! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Comment below your thoughts, give kudos if you'd like! 
> 
> \- Mel


	3. Secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanwoo. Junhoe. The boys.  
> They all have secrets they are keeping from each other. But that's the funny thing about secrets.  
> You can try as hard as you can to keep a secret but the truth always comes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! It has been forever since I last posted an update and I'm so sorry. I've been dealing with some personal problem at home and with school, and my mental health has not been so great either. I wasn't able to find any inspiration to write anything until recently. So this chapter may not be so great but I saw how many people were asking for an update, so I pushed myself to write this. Enjoy!!
> 
> \- Mel

Junhoe couldn’t keep his eyes off his maknae. His youngest brother. His best friend. His partner in crime. He could tell something was wrong with the boy, it wasn’t hard to see. He wouldn’t talk to anyone unless it was necessary. He was beginning to isolate himself more and more. All his free time was spent in practice rooms going over choreo or in the recording studio to work on his parts. The boys barely saw him, only catching glimpses of him in the morning, at practice, and at night before bed. And from what they’ve seen, he looks horrible. It’s as clear as day he hasn’t been eating as much and that sleep isn’t a priority to him anymore. 

Chanwoo resembled a ghost. Pale with bloodshot eyes and it was scaring them. They felt useless. They felt powerless and unsure of what to do. Management wanted to get YG involved but the boys begged them to let them try first; to let them talk to  _ their Chanwoo, their maknae, their baby  _ alone. Staging an intervention suddenly could possibly backfire horribly in their faces. They all knew they had to do something quick before the situation escalates more than it is now. 

“HYUNG PLEASE!” Junhoe was snapped out of his thoughts by Donghyuk yelling. He’s been trying to convince Jinhwan and Hanbin on going out to dinner, they haven’t been on a date in so long and it’d be nice to spend some time together doing something normal. 

“Donghyuk please, I said no. We can't go out, we have practice in the morning and then we have recording after.” Jinhwan told him from across the room. He was sat with Yunhyeong watching some kdrama they were both into at the moment. He was running his hand through Song’s hair, something he’s started doing recently because of stress, it apparently helps him and Song calm down. 

Donghyuk’s shoulders slumped in disappointment and his eyes dropped so that he was staring at the floor. “I didn’t mean go out and get drunk. I meant to go out for dinner, on a date, all of us. It’s been so long since we’ve done something normal, especially in our relationship, and it's about time we do. So please hyung,” he mumbled for all of us to hear. Junhoe couldn’t help but reach over and pull the other boy into his arms, planting a kiss on his cheek. 

“We should do it Jinhwan hyung. It’ll be nice to relax for a night,” Junhoe mumbled while gently peppering Donghyuk’s neck with kisses. The other boy squirmed against him as Junhoe’s lips passed over one of his tickle spots. A tiny giggle that escaped Donghyuk’s lips caused Junhoe to smile. 

Hanbin sighed, lifting his head to finally look at them. He has been working on some new lyrics for the album and even though the boys hated interrupting him while he was working, it was necessary. Sometimes their leader gets too focused on his work that he forgets to care for himself and sometimes forgets about the outside world. 

Hanbin’s eyes took in Junhoe, arms wrapped around DK’s waist and his lips peppering sweet kisses on his face and neck; and Donghyuk, their sweet angel was squirming in the other boys hold, trying to keep in the little laughs that wanted to escape. The scene brought a smile to the older boys lips. Seeing  _ his boys _ happy made him happy. 

“Fine. Let's go to dinner. Put on some shows and we can g--” Hanbin was cut off by the door to their dorm opening. They all knew who it was coming in this late at night. Chanwoo had been at the company all day, rehearsing lyrics and the boys hadn’t heard from him all day. Most, if not all, their text messages and phone calls had gone unanswered.

They all watched as the younger boy quietly slipped into the door, taking off his jacket and show, barely making a sound. He was probably trying to keep the noise to a minimum since he thought they were sleeping. He hadn’t even noticed they were they which was concerning. All the lights were basically on and they weren't’ exactly being quiet when he came in, so how was he able to completely miss them? When he turned around they realized why he missed them. Chanwoo looked more tired than ever. There were bags under his eyes turning a dark purple color and he looked paler than ever before. As he turned and looked up, they all saw how he jumped at the sight of them.

“Jesus Christ hyungs! Make some noise next time, you all scared the hell out of me.” Chanwoo said, his hand resting over where his heart was before gliding upwards towards his hair, his fingers running through the strands softly. He slowly made his way towards the kitchen, opening the refrigerator and grabbing a bottle of water. “Anyways, why are you up?” he asked after taking a sip of his drink.

 

“Oh,” Bobby said. “Were going out. The boys wanted to go to dinner…” he trailed off looking conflicted. It suddenly occurred to all of them why. They were all going out and leaving Chanwoo home alone, just so they could spend time together. Another problem, they haven’t exactly told Chawoo their together, mainly out of fear of how the boy would react to the news. They all loved Chanwoo and if he reacted badly, it would hurt them immensely, mostly because they would love to bring him into the relationship but are unsure how to bring it up with the younger. “You can join us..” Bobby said, rubbing his neck awkwardly, looking at all of them for help. 

Chanwoo let out a chuckle but it didn't sound like it used to. Instead of sounding like music, like happiness and humor, this laugh sound cold and devoid of emotion. “I wouldn’t want to intrude on your guy’s date. Go and have fun! I can survive a few hours without you hear,” he told them, turning his back to them as he started to rummage through the cupboards for food. All of them froze in place, their hearts dropping, confusion filling them up. 

“You...you know about us?! Since when? Why didn't you say anything?” Yunhyeong asked, jumping up fro his place on the coach. 

With his back still turned to them Chanwoo said, “You obviously didn’t want me to know, so I never said I knew. You wanted it to be a secret, between the six of you, who was I to say anything. If you really wanted me to know, you would have told me.” He shrugged his shoulders casually as he pulled out a packet of ramen. “ Anyways, it’s your relationship. You tell who you want and be with who you want, I can't exactly judge any of you.” 

Junhoe turned his head slightly, “What do you mean you can’t judge?” 

Changkyun turned to look at them, his face turning red a little. “Seriously hyung? I’m gay. I have been since forever. I’m surprised none of you figured that out on your own.” He turned back to his food that was cooking. “That doesn’t matter though, you should all go if you’re still going out for dinner. I’ll probably be asleep by the tie you get back.” 

There was complete silence aside from the food cooking on the oven. None of the boys could breathe after what they just heard.  _ Chanwoo is gay.  _ He isn't judging them or their relationship, he’s actually accepting. But Junhoe, he wasn't blind or deaf. He could see that Chanwoo is stiff, uncomfortable, and trying to curl in on himself. He won’t even really meet their eyes, almost like he’s afraid they will see something in them. And his voice, though loud enough for them to hear, it was still so small. His voice was shaky, tinged with so much emotion, Junhoe could swear that the emotion he heard was  _ pain.  _

“Let's get going,” Jinhwan said. Everyone was already ready to go, making their way out of the dorm after saying their goodbyes to Chanwoo but Chanwoo still kept his back to them, never meeting their eyes and this concerned Junhoe more than anything. As they made their way out of the dorm and out of the building, Junhoe couldn’t help the feeling that was building in the pit of his stomach. It felt nauseating. Stomach churning. It felt as though his body was trying to tell him that something was about to go wrong, to turn around and go back to Chanwoo but he didn't listen. He continued forward down the street, ignoring the signs that something was about to terribly happen. 

The boys had decided on a restaurant only a 3 blocks from the house, they didn't want to go that far but before they got inside, Junhoe realized he had forgotten his phone back at the dorm. “I’m sorry hyungs. Can you get us a table and I’ll join you guys after I get my phone.” The boys agreed and Junhoe quickly made his way back to the dorm. He could have sworn that his hone had been in his pocket but it must have fallen out onto the couch as they were leaving. 

The closer to the dorm he got the stronger the feeling in his stomach grew. Sweat was beginning to build on his forehead and a chill ran down his back. Something was wrong, something was terribly wrong. Junhoe all but sprinted back into the dorm, ignoring the elevator to take the stairs to get up to he dorm faster. It was as if someone had hit the acceleration button inside him, as he was up the stairs and in front of their door faster than before. 

Quickly and quietly, he opened the door and made his way inside, not even taking off his shoes because it wasn't important. What was important was the complete silence in the dorm, as if all the sound had been sucked out of it. He couldn't’ hear Chanwoo nor see him. The feeling was back again. He had turned to head to the kitchen when he saw the light in the bathroom down the hall on. The light was on but he didn't hear any noise. Slowly, he made his was towards the bathroom, turning the handle he was surprised it was unlocked, Chanwoo definitely wasn't expecting anyone to be back any time soon. And as Junhoe pushed open the door, turning his head to spot Chanwoo, his eyes landed on a scene that killed him. A scene that would haunt him for the rest of his life. A scene that was his worst possible nightmare come to life. 

Junhoe felt the world shattering around him. It felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room as he stared at his precious maknae and his bleeding wrists. So much red, dripping onto the white floor of the bathroom, standing out so vividly against the brightness of the room. Chanwoo had dropped the razor next to his leg in shock and fear, his doe eyes meeting Junhoe’s and it seemed that all he could say was, “Hyung…” 

Junhoe couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t understand. It felt as though something was tired around his throat, tightened so much it was cutting off airflow to him. His legs were shaking as he rushed over to Chanwoo, dropping to his knees next to him, not caring about the red staining his jeans. He brought his shaky hands up to cup Chanwoo’s cheeks, being as gentle as ever, so as to not scare the younger boy. He wiped away the tears falling from the boy's eyes, eyes that were filled with so much confusion, fear, and pain. 

Junhoe didn't know what to say, then the only thing he could get out through the tightening in his throat was one thing, a whispered and broken, “Chanwoo…”

 


	4. "Worship You...."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A secret has come out.  
> A revelation has been made.  
> And in the midst of a moment, will an even bigger secret be told? One that will change everything forever?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, it's been a few months since I last updated this story and there's just a few things I'd like to say. The last time I updated this story I promised I would be more consistent with my updates and that was the plan but then I hit a block. A huge writers bock then plummeted me into a bit of depression again. Around the time that I started writing this story again I had been off my anti-depressants for a few weeks and I had already been feeling bad. but the writers block and family issues pushed me into this state of not wanting to exist for awhile. So I ended up going back on my meds, which for awhile I felt really ashamed about because I felt like I was being weak. But as of my last update I've been getting progressively better. I still have days where I'll shut myself in my room for days on ends but it isn't as bad as before. My mental state isn't where I would like it to be but it never will be, I just hope it will get better with time. 
> 
> There is one last thing I'd like to address. If at any point you feel as though I'm not presenting Chanwoo's depression the way it should be or if it seem's like it's not factually correct, send me a private message. Chanwoo's character arc in this story is based off of me. Everything Chanwoo goes through, everything he feels, everything he thinks about himself, the way he interprets things, etc., is all based off of me and my personal feelings and life. Chanwoo is essentially me, I'm projecting myself onto him in this story. So no, not everything is going to be factually correct and the depression may not be presented the way you'd like, but that's okay because it's not suppose to be. Everything Chanwoo feels and stuff is suppose to feel authentic to the audience because its my own authentic feelings. I hope that makes sense! 
> 
> Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and warning, if your triggered by self harm, cutting, vomiting, panic attacks, blood, etc., skip this chapter because it will be very detailed! Okay, lets get into it!

Junhoe couldn't breath. It felt as though someone had plunged their hand down his throat and ripped out his lungs. All he could do was sit frozen in front of Chanwoo, his hands cupping his face gently. Wait, has Chanwoo's face always been this pale? No, it hasn't, Junhoe thought to himself, it's from all the blood he's losing. He's losing a lot of blood, he has to stop the bleeding. He gently grabbed Chanwoo's arms, avoiding the cuts, and brought them closer to his face to inspect them. There were three cuts on each arm, not deep enough to be rushed to the hospital, but deep enough where it would take a few days for the cut to heal fully. 

"Keep your arms elevated and don't move them. Do you understand?' Junhoe asked Chanwoo, pining him down with his stare.

"Yes hung, I understand." Chanwoo whispered, dropping his head to stare down at the floor where a small puddle of his blood began to form. He hadn't realized how much blood he'd lost. 

"Okay,I'll be right back, don't move." Junhoe got up and walked over to the linen closet outside the bathroom and grabbed two towels. He took a moment to collect himself and prepared himself for when he walked back into the bathroom, for the sight that waited for him. 

"Hyung?" he heard Chanwoo call and quickly made his way back to the bathroom and to his precious maknae. He crouched down infant of Chanwoo, who's eyes were piercing him with how hard he was starring at him. Gently he wrapped each of the towels around his wrists, tightly securing them. He watched as the white towels turned red a bit and felt a bit nauseous.

He took a deep breath, grabbed Chanwoo's forearms and hoisted him up. He walked them over to the toilet and sat him down on the toilet lid. "I would say take a shower but with the amount of blood you lost, you're probably going to be really dizzy and we don't want you falling over and cracking your skull open. So the best next thing is to take a bath." After sitting Chanwoo down on the toilet seat, he turned and turned on the water for the bath, setting it to the perfect temperature. He turned back to Chanwoo and froze when he found him crying.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He dropped to his knees infant of him and cupped his face in his hands. "Talk to me? Do the cuts hurt or are you hurt somewhere else?" Chanwoo shook his head an slowly leaned forward, enveloping Junhoe in a hug. Junhoe quickly wrapped the younger boy up in his arms, carding his fingers through his har and the other rubbing his back softly. He heard Chanwoo whisper something into his shoulder but didn't understand him. "What was that?"

"I'm sorry Hyung, I'm so sorry," Chanwoo broke down again. He felt ashamed, he never wanted any of the boys to ever find out about this, to find out the truth about what he'd been doing. This was his worst nightmare come to life. "I'm sorry, so sorry. Forgive me hyung," he cried desperately into Junhoe's shoulder. 

"Shh, no baby! Look at me," Junhoe realized the nickname slip but could care less. Right now all he care about was making sure Chanwoo knew he had no reason to beg for forgiveness. "You don't need my forgiveness because there is nothing to forgive. Chanwoo, the one's who need to beg for forgiveness are me and the boys. We weren't paying enough attention, we knew something was wrong but didn't know how to approach you. I'm so sorry, baby." He whispered, leaning his forehead against Chanwoo's. "Everything is going to be okay though. We will figure this out, talk to the bo-"

"NO!" Chanwoo yelled pulling away from him, covering his face with hands. "No, we don't need to tell them about this, they can never find out!" He cried out.

"Hey," Junhoe said grabbing him before cursing when the bath started to overflow. He quickly shut off the water and drained the tub a bit before turning back to Chanwoo. "Baby, look at me. I don't know what's going through that pretty head of yours but you have got to listen to what I say. The guys and me, we aren't going to think differently about you; we aren't going to treat you differently. God Chanwoo, we worship you," he heard Chanwoo's breath hitch. "How could you not realized that? We worship the very ground you walk on. You're the one thing we cherish the most, the one person were so proud of. Baby, you're everything to us. We love you so much and if it weren't for the fact we'd be hated, we'd scream it from the rooftops. You're our Chanwoo," Junhoe told him fiercely, pressing his forehead to Chanwoo, pulling the boy closer. Chanwoo seemed lost for words, just starring at Junhoe with wide eyes.

Chanwoo's hands shakily cupped his face, hesitantly touching him. "Hyung are you saying what I think you're saying? You all love me, more than friends?" he whispered and Junhoe saw the emotions in his eyes: _fear, hope, and love._

Junhoe couldn't help as he smiled and nodded but then grew concerned when Chanwoo's lip quivered and his eyes filled with tears. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked as he wiped away the tears with his thumbs. "Don't cry baby, this is suppose to be happy things." Chanwoo chuckled lightly, tucking his head under Junhoe's chin and that's when the smell hit him.  _Blood._ He forgot Chanwoo was suppose to get washed up. "Okay, here's the plan. You get into the bath and wash up. I'll sit right here and call the boys to come back home, when they get we will clean up, get some food and fluids into you, and then talk about everything. How's that sound?" He asked, brushing Chanwoo's hair behind his ear but it didn't seem like Chanwoo heard him, he was frozen and there was fear written across his face. "Baby, what's wrong?" Chanwoo's lip quivered as he gripped onto Junhoe harder. Chanwoo's hand came up shakily and pointed behind Junhoe whispering a quite,  _"_ _hyungs.."_

Junhoe turned quickly and froze when he noticed all the boys standing frozen by the bathroom entrance. They all looked terrified or ready to collapse. They all looked ready to book it towards them and ask questions but Junhoe quickly stood up and made his way over to them stopping them from entering the bathroom. He looked back at Chanwoo, "Baby," he waited till Chanwoo's eyes met his, "can you get undressed and into the water? I'll send someone over to help when were done talking, okay?" Chanwoo shakily nodded and started to undress as Junhoe pushed the boys out the bathroom leaving the door open, giving him a view of Chanwoo still. 

As soon as Chanwoo was o longer paying them attention, the boys opened their mouths ready to ask questions. "No! Shut up and listen," Junhoe said. "The blood isn't mine, it's his. When I came back to the dorm, it wasn't;t because I forgot my phone, it was because I had a feeling something was wrong and I was right. I caught in cutting himself. I wrapped up his wrists and the cuts aren't deep enough that we would need medical attention. He's been doing this for awhile though, how long? I don't know specifically. I do know that he's shitting himself in there because he's afraid of how you will look at him. Don't treat him any differently and that maybe hard for you but it's what you need to do. Also, he knows about how we feel about him, I had to tell him so that he'd calm down and for the record he feels the same." Junhoe told them, looking back over to Chanwoo and saw him washing his hair, it made him smile a little before turning back to the boys. "Donghyuk," the blonde haired angel looked at him, he was crying. "I know the situation is a bit upsetting but can you go sit with him? Watch him, wash him, give him affection? Just distract his while we clean up all this blood and shit." Donghyuk nodded, leaning up to kiss his before walking over to Chanwoo. "Yunhyeong and Bobby hyun, can you go get the cleaning supplies please?" They both rushed off to the get the supplies, leaving him with Hanbin and Jinhwan.

Hanbin stepped forward slowly before bringing him into a hug. "It's okay, you can cry baby, let it out." Junhoe tried to keep the tears at bay but couldn't, they slipped out and couldn't help but sob in Hanbin's neck. He felt so overwhelmed by everything, he doesn't know how he held it together until now. Everything was just too much and his emotions felt scattered like his thoughts. "Everything's going to be okay, we will help, figure out why he's doing this, okay?" Junhoe pulled away and nodded, wiping his tears away.

Jinhwan stepped forward and peered into the bathroom, "lets go take care of our boy." The three of them smiled and stepped into the bathroom, Bobby and Yunhyeong right behind them.

 


End file.
